For me December is synonymous with silence (and the other months, denial). I graduated college and left the US to be with my family. I am so close to seeing him again, I thought to myself. This time it was different. This month was different. We really, did not talk. My days were spent trying to control myself from reaching out to him and my nights were spent crying myself to sleep. Yes, I made new friends. I had like two friends here so it was really a drastic change to have something to do besides sleeping.
January came along and I met someone, and yes we kissed (and maybe more :-/). And, oh, I am also very honest. I would never lie about that because I wouldn't want someone I love to lie to me. So I told him a few days after it occurred. And he was not happy to say the least. I broke his heart. I made him sad. I caused this? I can not believe myself. But I didn't cheat, we were over and we hadn't even been talking, there's no question about that. It hurt me so much that I was causing him more pain in his life. What the fuck is wrong with me? Surely, I could have controlled myself right. I The thing is I knew that if I kissed (and maybe more) someone else or anything like that, that it would be over for good. He would never want me again, he would never look at me the same.
I swear, I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't myself.
It has taken me months to see what my friends Brooklyn and Rani have been seeing and telling me about my (w)hole relationship. It was over long ago. Did you ever even really have him. Has he tried to make it work like you have. He hasn't given you the attention and love you deserve. When I told him, I felt like I had ruined things between us. I cried so much remembering the time we spent together and how long I've been waiting to see him and how close I got. We shared more emails in the past few days than in over a month. But, I didn't ruin things and I didn't end things. We faded a long time ago, when I chased him for love, for attention, for just a conversation. I didn't want to see this, maybe because I had been so hurt and heart broken before, maybe because I thought if we saw each other again it would be okay, maybe because I just wanted to be loved the way I loved him. He once told me, his love for me didn't grow like mine had for him. That maybe he couldn't give me the kind of love I wanted at the moment. He said he wasn't ready and didn't know what he wanted from me. He said, he wished he could freeze me for a year and then if he was ready get back together with me. At first I was like oh helll no, who you think I am? But then I thought, I would do anything for you.
That is when I started to convince myself more and more of going to Lebanon, no matter what. I had to go!
He didn't cause me to do what I did. Its not his fault. I can't be mad if he just stopped loving me. I can't be mad if his family concerns affected him greatly. I questioned a lot of things like how can he just let me go? why can't he just show me mercy? Can't I make mistakes too? Was I just some summer foreign girl he casually dated? I wouldn't let him go so easily, why would he?(Probably because he isn't crazy lol)
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| I feel like I've always been this kind of person. Whatever that means. |
I want him to forgive me, but I don't. If I had him I don't know if I would ever leave him, even if I was unhappy and that scares me.
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