Change of Plans

So as of now, it looks like I won't be going to Lebanon. I was talking to my mom about it today and she doesnt want to pay the difference to make it a round trip ticket. She was like, two months is too long..onemonth. But I had already reduced it from three months to two, I thought it was a bargain. I even have places to live. She gives me about a zillion excuses n also throws in, You are chasing this guy, and he doesnt even love you. Ouch mom, It's not like I even talk to you about him. I don't have any money, I'm broke, I know I know, I should probably get a job and save money and then apply to jobs over there n thennn go. Or save money and go to visit.
Maybe shes right maybe im JUST chasing Asad. And from the looks of it, he doesn't seem to love me anymore. I sent him an email asking him to please tell me if he wants me to visit. And then I sent him one telling him to forget it. I know myself ( or atleast somewhat..lol) and even if he's simply polite or respectful when he sees me and talks to me, I'm going to fall for him again(or deeper?). And, he wont. lol. I wish he told me I should move on. Then at least I would have closure. Damn, that's too bad, I had a wholeeeeeeeee idea and vision for this blog lol. Like a Soap, like reality tv, reality blog! lol. Now what am I gonna do with this title, this email, etc, it has nothing to do with..i mean it will eventually have nothing to do with Asad anymore.

Ugh, my parents(more like my mom) just wants me to stay here. Before, she didnt want me to move to NYC she said it was too far..and now shes like...go to NYC..why do you wanna go so far to Lebanon for its too far. I wonder if I tell her im thinkign China, if she will insist I move to Lebanon?

Tough one huh?

DAMNIT, where are you Prince Ali, I mean Prince Charming*

We spoke

I'm trying to be strong like Rani tells me. She reminds me of how strong I was the other night when I had my epiphany lol. Well he finally emailed me. I'm glad he's alive! lol The conversation was like small talk, hi, how are you, what have ou been up to? Today I initiated the conversation and I said good morning ..he said hello..i said how are you..he said fine. And he didn't ask me how I was so I told him myself and thanked him for asking hehehe.
I went to the mall today with my friends here in Venezuela. It was me Sophie Marie and Fernando. We were helping him buy some clothes and we also bought a few things for ourselves. Gosh, I really needed the retail therapy because I was tearing up in the mall just thinking about Asad. How could I let someone else hold me and kiss me? I felt so guilty, and so gross. I just wanted to erase that day and I wanted to be with Asad again.
Ofourse, I hadddd to walk into a store where the owner and a customer were speaking in Arabic. I thought to myself, you've got to be kidding me. Although arabs are common here, It isn't common for me to run into them I guess, for a lack of a bettern term. Probably because I had no friends here before, I never went out and even now they just aren't a part of my social circle here. So yeah, their conversation, the little I understood with their spanrabic, was enough to take me back. Even without understanding a word I loved it. I swear if I closed my eyes I knew Asad was standing right next to me. Thank God I didn't burst into tears. Actually, I was happy.
So during my sad moments I emailed him. And really he comforted me and told me not to feel guilty, he kept telling me I was a good person and I shouldn't feel bad or blame myself. He said I deserve a good person (why can't he be my good person?).

Quotes of the Day

I was looking at my Time Magazine ap on my crackberry and I saw this. Interesting. I mean, is this what you see in Lebanon? My friends don't seem as worried. But, seeing this worries me!

This is the angry Lebanon. Don't test our anger.


Read more: Time Magazine Online

Hello?

He's not talking to me. I guess he's trying to get me out of his mind. I wish I knew he was okay though. Like I just wanna be sure he's breathing. I asked his friend Hadi about him and how he's doing. He knows its over too (I told him). He told me before the whole incident that he thinks I should come to Lebanon because it is better to see and speak to Asad in person. How come people just assume a ticket to Lebanon is like 50 bucks? Or that I even have fifty bucks. I guess I'm just being moody because I feel like all my efforts go unnoticed. Hmm, I was thinking, why couldn't he come and see me? I know, it's harder for him to meet in the US. But he knows we can meet where my parents are. Ugh, what am I talking about lol. It's probably very unlikely, but the point is these were thoughts in my head, plans I tried to make into reality so that we could see each other again. Did he dream of this? Did he conjure up plans to see me, to win my heart? :(

war? Please hold

So I was reading BeirutBeauty and I guess there is political tension (more than usual) in Lebanon.

So, ladies and gentlemen, there is now a new deadline: Monday January 24, 2011  will be the day shit hits the fan. Because that's when Hariri "will go to the parliamentary consultations organized by the president" where he will "remain committed as a candidate, in line with my parliamentary bloc's decision."

Hello! Tomorrow is the 24th*, and tomorrow comes sooner for them than for me. NONONO. I really don't know about politics (typical American?idk) here or elsewhere but when I went in the summer there was also a chance, and when I left everyone was talking about October, so I hope this is just lots of talking and no action. Please, I have to go soon, as soon as I get back to the States I'm leaving to Lebanon.

*This post was written on the thirteenth, do to some difficulties I had to re post everything and the date if off.

Round 2...FIGHT!

I just wanna say that I'm thankful for meeting him. I know it's all religious and stuff, but I really feel that everything happens for a reason. There are so many lessons to be learned in life and surely in all this there are plenty. I know God can see the bigger picture when I'm like bro, I don't get it. He really was so amazing. In my warped mind I think, maybe he will change, maybe he will read my story and realize it's all about him. Maybe he will be the man of my dreams and we will fall in love again. Maybe it will work out in the end. But I'm not wishing for that. I just wanna sit back and see what happens. I wanna be someone's sun (my sun's sun).

So, I'm going to Lebanon. lol. I won't tell him I'm there. I'm going to put myself on the road and leave the rest up to fate. I'll stay for as long as it takes to reach a conclusion or if I run out of money.

This time will be different. I will explore on my own and with my friends. I will enjoy walking, I will pay attention to detail, to the streets, to the lights, to the food, and even to the plants (if I can find any). I'm going to live in the moment. I will pay attention, listen carefully, use all my senses and follow my heart.I just want to live (learn).

Street Fighter<3

Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.

For me December is synonymous with silence (and the other months, denial). I graduated college and left the US to be with my family. I am so close to seeing him again, I thought to myself. This time it was different. This month was different. We really, did not talk. My days were spent trying to control myself from reaching out to him and my nights were spent crying myself to sleep. Yes, I made new friends. I had like two friends here so it was really a drastic change to have something to do besides sleeping.

January came along and I met someone, and yes we kissed (and maybe more :-/). And, oh, I am also very honest. I would never lie about that because I wouldn't want someone I love to lie to me. So I told him a few days after it occurred. And he was not happy to say the least. I broke his heart. I made him sad. I caused this? I can not believe myself. But I didn't cheat, we were over and we hadn't even been talking, there's no question about that. It hurt me so much that I was causing him more pain in his life. What the fuck is wrong with me? Surely, I could have controlled myself right. I The thing is I knew that if I kissed (and maybe more) someone else or anything like that, that it would be over for good. He would never want me again, he would never look at me the same.

I swear, I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't myself.

It has taken me months to see what my friends Brooklyn and Rani have been seeing and telling me about my (w)hole relationship. It was over long ago. Did you ever even really have him. Has he tried to make it work like you have. He hasn't given you the attention and love you deserve. When I told him, I felt like I had ruined things between us. I cried so much remembering the time we spent together and how long I've been waiting to see him and how close I got. We shared more emails in the past few days than in over a month. But, I didn't ruin things and I didn't end things. We faded a long time ago, when I chased him for love, for attention, for just a conversation. I didn't want to see this, maybe because I had been so hurt and heart broken before, maybe because I thought if we saw each other again it would be okay, maybe because I just wanted to be loved the way I loved him. He once told me, his love for me didn't grow like mine had for him. That maybe he couldn't give me the kind of love I wanted at the moment. He said he wasn't ready and didn't know what he wanted from me. He said, he wished he could freeze me for a year and then if he was ready get back together with me. At first I was like oh helll no, who you think I am? But then I thought, I would do anything for you.

That is when I started to convince myself more and more of going to Lebanon, no matter what. I had to go!

He didn't cause me to do what I did. Its not his fault. I can't be mad if he just stopped loving me. I can't be mad if his family concerns affected him greatly. I questioned a lot of things like how can he just let me go? why can't he just show me mercy? Can't I make mistakes too? Was I just some summer foreign girl he casually dated? I wouldn't let him go so easily, why would he?(Probably because he isn't crazy lol)

I feel like I've always been this kind of person. Whatever that means.

I want him to forgive me, but I don't. If I had him I don't know if I would ever leave him, even if I was unhappy and that scares me.

Eva Warrior Princess

When I left Lebanon, I knew I would be back soon enough. Everyday I woke up was a day closer to him. Everyday I would talk to him (or try to speak to him, even if he did not reply), send videos, send texts and emails. I didn't want him to feel neglected and unloved. I wanted him to never doubt my feelings.

I enjoy receiving random I love you messages, so i followed the Golden rule, but I really didn't get it in return. Looking back at our emails, problems started less than a month after returning home. He just, wouldn't give me attention anymore. He didn't have time for me. I can't blame him though he was going through things, an illness in the family and stuff. At least that is what I told myself. I mean, he did go out with his friends. But, hello he loves me right? I'm here for him and he knows that and he can talk to me.

From August until December I fought and struggled to make us work. Kind of impossible when I was the only one on the battlefield. I tried giving him his space, we got blackberry phones to make communication easier, I did everything and I did nothing (I took all advice). The only time we would have conversations is when we would fight. I convinced myself it was his family circumstance that was affecting him so greatly that he just didn't want to invest time in me. The girl he loved. We broke up like fifty times. And one day in October it was truly over. At least the title and responsibility that comes with it. The future Mrs.Saad was put on hold and the operator went to sleep (more like quit).

But, that didn't stop me. I still wanted him to know I was there. Wow, the pain I inflict on myself. I just wanted to be there for him. He loved me right? I'm his friend right? I can be there for you! Please, let me in. I wanted his happiness. His happiness was truly my own. I wanted to go back and change his life. I was going to do it, I was going to do whatever it took to make everyone he cared about happy again. He would see my love, and fall even more in love with me. I was saving money to see him. I only had enough for a one way ticket, and that was enough for me.

Someone once asked me Why are you going to Lebanon for him? And I said, I know he's probably not ready for me, and I will most likely return with a broken heart (or no heart at all) but I'm going to know I gave it my everything, my all, down to the last drop, that I fought until the end. I don't want to think I lost him because I didn't try hard enough. I don't want my pride to get in  the way. Real, eternal, beautiful love is but once in a lifetime (so they say). If this is it, then I'm going to fight for it. If I return without him, it is because it just wasn't meant to be. But dammit, I'm going to try to the very end.

He was my sun, and my dream was that I would be his. I held on for so long and so tight that when I finally let go I realized I was just holding myself from falling apart.

Gravitation cannot be held responsible

A few days later we went on a date. Oh my Gosh. A date lol. I don't date. It makes me uncomfortable. The way I see it a date is like saying I find you attractive but now I'm going to see if I like how you are inside. It is too much pressure for me and way more insulting to be found unattractive for who I am instead of what I look like. I also don't want to cause anyone that kind of anguish.

It was me, him, Adam and Gisela. He picked me up and Gisela and Adam met us there. It was at Cafe, I think it was also in Gemmayze but I can't remember the name. It's famous because the guy always screams WELCOME! I was so glad it was a group thing, I would have died if we were alone. I don't know how I'd control my face from revealing to Asad that I was actually a lobster dressed as a girl.

After the dinner is when it all began. We decided to hang out alone. I was comfortable! Somehow he figured it out (probably not consciously lol). He made me feel okay with hanging out with him alone. YAY! We drove, I'm not sure where, it was near the water and many cars were there, and it is not the area where those really cool rocks are. We talked about everything (of course right, this is what happens, people share their entire life in one night). Family, "friends", heartbreak, how many exs we have. It's hard to explain how much we shared without divulging too much about his personal life (and my own). He shared things with me that night and throughout our time in Beirut that he has never told anyone. Gosh, I don't know if it was this night or the following night we hung out and did basically the same thing, but we were talking. I told him, my ex, never said I was beautiful, and he looked at me, oh my God, he looked at ME with the most beautiful and admiring eyes I had ever seen and he said You are so beautiful Eva. I'm sorry I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but you are. And was it this night or the next that he said There's something I want to do. AHH! I was like, no dont do that, I don't give you permission. lol. He wanted to kisss me! My heart was being assaulted by a flutter of butterflies. Don't look at his lips, don't look at his face, face forward, do not let him get close, keep talking, changeee the subject, HURRY! *Phew* he respected my wishes.

We went out one night to Jbeil? Byblos? I think? Idk babe where was it again? We went to this area many times, or to two similar places so I get confused. Or is it the same? Lol I'm horrible. We had dinner, and he would show me how to eat things, and sometimes even put the food on my plate (adorable). The waitress thought I was Lebanese (hehe, random fact). When we were leaving, we were walking to the car and the streets were tight with the cars passing by. We were also going downward on a slope, so I grabbed his arm. I didn't even notice I did that until later. It was so cute and he was so happy I did it (he told me later another day).

• Every time we were near my own, I would recognize the area and tell him Noooo! I don't want to go home, stay with me, stay. Don't leave me. It would crack him up and I know he too didn't want to take me home.
• I was so shy with him in the beginning, I could barely look at him. He loved making me feel even more uncomfortable by telling me the cutest things in arabic. <3
• He texted me while he was at work, he would call me from his office just to say *cute arabic accent* Good Morning, to tell me he missed me and to see what I was up to. We would hang out everyday. Oh I forgot to mention that by this time I moved to Achrafieh. I lived with a french guy, an American and a Canadian girl.

If a light were to appear out of nothing and shine upon you.  A strong, bright, warm, beautiful, loving light, you wouldn't be able to turn away from it. You wouldn't be able to stop looking to stop enjoying it, to stop wanting to be in its pressence. Asad, has this light in him. I hope I die of a heatstroke.

I found a card, a card I never sent him for his birthday (sent flowers instead)

"You're the One" by Hallmark? lol

The thing about you is, you're fun. You make laugh. You make me feel more alive. And, okay, you make me a little crazy sometimes. But there are these moments in my mind, crystal-clear images of you and me and how we fit together, and it all makes such perfect sense, and I know what I want. I want time with you. I want to hear you whisper and talk and yell, I want to touch you so softly it puts you to sleep, I want to fall in love so deeply with you that even when it's not all fun, I can look at you as I do now and say, as I do now, "Yes, you're the one."

I'm going to stop here because I can't really explain how I fell in love. It was everything. Timing, his heart, his mind, his cuteness towards me, his happiness, his smile, his companionship, his embrace, his yummy little kisses, the things we spoke about, the way we argued, his voice, his kind words, the way he looked at me, soo much. Falling in love with him was so effortless, but I can't tell you how or why. I was so happy with him even when I was miserable with him.

I don't know where to begin spiel

Well, it is 2 am and I don't know whether to indent or not. I hate this blogging business but only because I'm so bad at it. As a kid I could never manage to be consistent with my diary. I would see them at the store and convince myself to buy one - this time I'm gonna write in it everyday. I read some blogs here and there and I don't know if they took a blog tutorial (does blogspot have one?) but it seems they think ahead! For example, as I'm typing I see this small,white box that says "Labels:" I know what it's used for but I don't know what words to write. I think after like ten posts I will have that figured out and by then I'm not so sure I want to go back to my previous blogs and write these labels in.

(I think I should indent) I suppose I should start from the beginning (I can't believe I just wrote that). You probably want to know why I made this blog and if I'm some savvy stalker. 

I always liked different cultures, languages and religions. Not really sure how that all started, maybe it was the Discovery Channel or The Learning Channel (TLC) all I know is this has been an interest since I was a kid. People are just so fascinating! And its amazing how culture, language and religions mold reality (how an individual views their reality). I guess I noticed all these differences when I started having more friends who were Indian and Pakistani. Yeah, there is so much of our own American culture we share but oh man - to me their world was like... well another world. I loved it! I wanted to know everything about this new place. Soon enough I found myself wanting to be in their world and maybe slightly (although some would say desperately) wanting to be a part of their world; to be one of them. That whole thing right there is a whole other blog and some therapy (lol). 

So then I found myself in Lebanon this past summer. Were you thinking India? Yeah me too! Well, by the time I made this decision, I had quite a bit of arab friends. The majority was Lebanese and I just felt more comfortable having them tell me about their country, where to go, that they were coming too and that if I needed anything they have plenty of family there.Also, my best friend Brooklyn has a cousin that is married to a Lebanese guy and he (the husband) really was SO much help to me in getting me there and making me feel safe (and my family). So in a nutshell, all signs pointed to Lebanon.

The first place I lived in was Hazmieh. Here I lived with European girls! We were two Italian girls, one French girl and me the American. I shared a room with one Italian girl named Isabella. Soon enough we were having dinner parties, going out to pubs and I was meeting all their friends. This is how I met "Asad". Pause. sigh. lol. We were at a pub called Treesome in Gemmayze. I was wearing a black dress, charcoal leggings (yeah, probably a disaster, but I don't like showing my legs), and my hair was straight. The room was dim but lively and we sat at a table against the wall. I didn't want to dance so I sat down the whole time and watched my friends dancing with their other friends and strangers making out. He was sitting infront of me and his friends were next to him. I really don't know what to tell you. We all talked and joked for a bit and when he left I didn't really care. I noticed but not enough to wonder where he went. I think the rest of the night was spent talking to people (guys) and cracking up! When we were leaving the pub, he was with us again and he asked me for my number. I didn't think much of it, I figured they're all friends and they all have each others' numbers so why not. He said "we could have coffee sometime or hang out" and I responded "I'm really busy, I don't know, but you can try". I know it may sound flirtacious to you, but I tell jokes to lighten the situation and to protect myself (from a guy asking me for my number!! THE HORROR).

So this is how it happened. One day I was sitting in the living with one of my flatmates, Gisela, and her friend Adam. I said "I decided I want a boyfriend". If you knew me from before this moment, you would be shocked by that statement. After the breakup with my first boyfriend in 2005 I haven't been able to find anyone else (or I just haven't allowed anyone in). Was I ready now or was this due the change of environment? I spoke of qualities I liked and they thought of guys they knew. It was like a gameshow, I was being silly about it, but I was serious about what I wanted. The first person that was suggested was Adam's cousin. We came up with the idea of having a little party and inviting him. That way we would meet and talk but not really have a blind date. Then, Adam snaps his fingers and says Asad, he's a good guy and Gisela, with a smile from ear to ear, opens her eyes widely, waves her arms wildly and says with her lovely Italian accent Yes, yes, you know him, you met at Treesome! 

Treesome - Ever been here?

I had his number and without telling anyone I texted him!