Change of Plans

So as of now, it looks like I won't be going to Lebanon. I was talking to my mom about it today and she doesnt want to pay the difference to make it a round trip ticket. She was like, two months is too long..onemonth. But I had already reduced it from three months to two, I thought it was a bargain. I even have places to live. She gives me about a zillion excuses n also throws in, You are chasing this guy, and he doesnt even love you. Ouch mom, It's not like I even talk to you about him. I don't have any money, I'm broke, I know I know, I should probably get a job and save money and then apply to jobs over there n thennn go. Or save money and go to visit.
Maybe shes right maybe im JUST chasing Asad. And from the looks of it, he doesn't seem to love me anymore. I sent him an email asking him to please tell me if he wants me to visit. And then I sent him one telling him to forget it. I know myself ( or atleast somewhat..lol) and even if he's simply polite or respectful when he sees me and talks to me, I'm going to fall for him again(or deeper?). And, he wont. lol. I wish he told me I should move on. Then at least I would have closure. Damn, that's too bad, I had a wholeeeeeeeee idea and vision for this blog lol. Like a Soap, like reality tv, reality blog! lol. Now what am I gonna do with this title, this email, etc, it has nothing to do with..i mean it will eventually have nothing to do with Asad anymore.

Ugh, my parents(more like my mom) just wants me to stay here. Before, she didnt want me to move to NYC she said it was too far..and now shes like...go to NYC..why do you wanna go so far to Lebanon for its too far. I wonder if I tell her im thinkign China, if she will insist I move to Lebanon?

Tough one huh?

DAMNIT, where are you Prince Ali, I mean Prince Charming*

We spoke

I'm trying to be strong like Rani tells me. She reminds me of how strong I was the other night when I had my epiphany lol. Well he finally emailed me. I'm glad he's alive! lol The conversation was like small talk, hi, how are you, what have ou been up to? Today I initiated the conversation and I said good morning ..he said hello..i said how are you..he said fine. And he didn't ask me how I was so I told him myself and thanked him for asking hehehe.
I went to the mall today with my friends here in Venezuela. It was me Sophie Marie and Fernando. We were helping him buy some clothes and we also bought a few things for ourselves. Gosh, I really needed the retail therapy because I was tearing up in the mall just thinking about Asad. How could I let someone else hold me and kiss me? I felt so guilty, and so gross. I just wanted to erase that day and I wanted to be with Asad again.
Ofourse, I hadddd to walk into a store where the owner and a customer were speaking in Arabic. I thought to myself, you've got to be kidding me. Although arabs are common here, It isn't common for me to run into them I guess, for a lack of a bettern term. Probably because I had no friends here before, I never went out and even now they just aren't a part of my social circle here. So yeah, their conversation, the little I understood with their spanrabic, was enough to take me back. Even without understanding a word I loved it. I swear if I closed my eyes I knew Asad was standing right next to me. Thank God I didn't burst into tears. Actually, I was happy.
So during my sad moments I emailed him. And really he comforted me and told me not to feel guilty, he kept telling me I was a good person and I shouldn't feel bad or blame myself. He said I deserve a good person (why can't he be my good person?).

Quotes of the Day

I was looking at my Time Magazine ap on my crackberry and I saw this. Interesting. I mean, is this what you see in Lebanon? My friends don't seem as worried. But, seeing this worries me!

This is the angry Lebanon. Don't test our anger.


Read more: Time Magazine Online

Hello?

He's not talking to me. I guess he's trying to get me out of his mind. I wish I knew he was okay though. Like I just wanna be sure he's breathing. I asked his friend Hadi about him and how he's doing. He knows its over too (I told him). He told me before the whole incident that he thinks I should come to Lebanon because it is better to see and speak to Asad in person. How come people just assume a ticket to Lebanon is like 50 bucks? Or that I even have fifty bucks. I guess I'm just being moody because I feel like all my efforts go unnoticed. Hmm, I was thinking, why couldn't he come and see me? I know, it's harder for him to meet in the US. But he knows we can meet where my parents are. Ugh, what am I talking about lol. It's probably very unlikely, but the point is these were thoughts in my head, plans I tried to make into reality so that we could see each other again. Did he dream of this? Did he conjure up plans to see me, to win my heart? :(

war? Please hold

So I was reading BeirutBeauty and I guess there is political tension (more than usual) in Lebanon.

So, ladies and gentlemen, there is now a new deadline: Monday January 24, 2011  will be the day shit hits the fan. Because that's when Hariri "will go to the parliamentary consultations organized by the president" where he will "remain committed as a candidate, in line with my parliamentary bloc's decision."

Hello! Tomorrow is the 24th*, and tomorrow comes sooner for them than for me. NONONO. I really don't know about politics (typical American?idk) here or elsewhere but when I went in the summer there was also a chance, and when I left everyone was talking about October, so I hope this is just lots of talking and no action. Please, I have to go soon, as soon as I get back to the States I'm leaving to Lebanon.

*This post was written on the thirteenth, do to some difficulties I had to re post everything and the date if off.

Round 2...FIGHT!

I just wanna say that I'm thankful for meeting him. I know it's all religious and stuff, but I really feel that everything happens for a reason. There are so many lessons to be learned in life and surely in all this there are plenty. I know God can see the bigger picture when I'm like bro, I don't get it. He really was so amazing. In my warped mind I think, maybe he will change, maybe he will read my story and realize it's all about him. Maybe he will be the man of my dreams and we will fall in love again. Maybe it will work out in the end. But I'm not wishing for that. I just wanna sit back and see what happens. I wanna be someone's sun (my sun's sun).

So, I'm going to Lebanon. lol. I won't tell him I'm there. I'm going to put myself on the road and leave the rest up to fate. I'll stay for as long as it takes to reach a conclusion or if I run out of money.

This time will be different. I will explore on my own and with my friends. I will enjoy walking, I will pay attention to detail, to the streets, to the lights, to the food, and even to the plants (if I can find any). I'm going to live in the moment. I will pay attention, listen carefully, use all my senses and follow my heart.I just want to live (learn).

Street Fighter<3

Love has to be killed, either by neglect or narcissism.

For me December is synonymous with silence (and the other months, denial). I graduated college and left the US to be with my family. I am so close to seeing him again, I thought to myself. This time it was different. This month was different. We really, did not talk. My days were spent trying to control myself from reaching out to him and my nights were spent crying myself to sleep. Yes, I made new friends. I had like two friends here so it was really a drastic change to have something to do besides sleeping.

January came along and I met someone, and yes we kissed (and maybe more :-/). And, oh, I am also very honest. I would never lie about that because I wouldn't want someone I love to lie to me. So I told him a few days after it occurred. And he was not happy to say the least. I broke his heart. I made him sad. I caused this? I can not believe myself. But I didn't cheat, we were over and we hadn't even been talking, there's no question about that. It hurt me so much that I was causing him more pain in his life. What the fuck is wrong with me? Surely, I could have controlled myself right. I The thing is I knew that if I kissed (and maybe more) someone else or anything like that, that it would be over for good. He would never want me again, he would never look at me the same.

I swear, I didn't do it on purpose. I wasn't myself.

It has taken me months to see what my friends Brooklyn and Rani have been seeing and telling me about my (w)hole relationship. It was over long ago. Did you ever even really have him. Has he tried to make it work like you have. He hasn't given you the attention and love you deserve. When I told him, I felt like I had ruined things between us. I cried so much remembering the time we spent together and how long I've been waiting to see him and how close I got. We shared more emails in the past few days than in over a month. But, I didn't ruin things and I didn't end things. We faded a long time ago, when I chased him for love, for attention, for just a conversation. I didn't want to see this, maybe because I had been so hurt and heart broken before, maybe because I thought if we saw each other again it would be okay, maybe because I just wanted to be loved the way I loved him. He once told me, his love for me didn't grow like mine had for him. That maybe he couldn't give me the kind of love I wanted at the moment. He said he wasn't ready and didn't know what he wanted from me. He said, he wished he could freeze me for a year and then if he was ready get back together with me. At first I was like oh helll no, who you think I am? But then I thought, I would do anything for you.

That is when I started to convince myself more and more of going to Lebanon, no matter what. I had to go!

He didn't cause me to do what I did. Its not his fault. I can't be mad if he just stopped loving me. I can't be mad if his family concerns affected him greatly. I questioned a lot of things like how can he just let me go? why can't he just show me mercy? Can't I make mistakes too? Was I just some summer foreign girl he casually dated? I wouldn't let him go so easily, why would he?(Probably because he isn't crazy lol)

I feel like I've always been this kind of person. Whatever that means.

I want him to forgive me, but I don't. If I had him I don't know if I would ever leave him, even if I was unhappy and that scares me.