Eva Warrior Princess

When I left Lebanon, I knew I would be back soon enough. Everyday I woke up was a day closer to him. Everyday I would talk to him (or try to speak to him, even if he did not reply), send videos, send texts and emails. I didn't want him to feel neglected and unloved. I wanted him to never doubt my feelings.

I enjoy receiving random I love you messages, so i followed the Golden rule, but I really didn't get it in return. Looking back at our emails, problems started less than a month after returning home. He just, wouldn't give me attention anymore. He didn't have time for me. I can't blame him though he was going through things, an illness in the family and stuff. At least that is what I told myself. I mean, he did go out with his friends. But, hello he loves me right? I'm here for him and he knows that and he can talk to me.

From August until December I fought and struggled to make us work. Kind of impossible when I was the only one on the battlefield. I tried giving him his space, we got blackberry phones to make communication easier, I did everything and I did nothing (I took all advice). The only time we would have conversations is when we would fight. I convinced myself it was his family circumstance that was affecting him so greatly that he just didn't want to invest time in me. The girl he loved. We broke up like fifty times. And one day in October it was truly over. At least the title and responsibility that comes with it. The future Mrs.Saad was put on hold and the operator went to sleep (more like quit).

But, that didn't stop me. I still wanted him to know I was there. Wow, the pain I inflict on myself. I just wanted to be there for him. He loved me right? I'm his friend right? I can be there for you! Please, let me in. I wanted his happiness. His happiness was truly my own. I wanted to go back and change his life. I was going to do it, I was going to do whatever it took to make everyone he cared about happy again. He would see my love, and fall even more in love with me. I was saving money to see him. I only had enough for a one way ticket, and that was enough for me.

Someone once asked me Why are you going to Lebanon for him? And I said, I know he's probably not ready for me, and I will most likely return with a broken heart (or no heart at all) but I'm going to know I gave it my everything, my all, down to the last drop, that I fought until the end. I don't want to think I lost him because I didn't try hard enough. I don't want my pride to get in  the way. Real, eternal, beautiful love is but once in a lifetime (so they say). If this is it, then I'm going to fight for it. If I return without him, it is because it just wasn't meant to be. But dammit, I'm going to try to the very end.

He was my sun, and my dream was that I would be his. I held on for so long and so tight that when I finally let go I realized I was just holding myself from falling apart.